Death By FanFiction: Revenge of the Profiler
by mabelreid
Summary: One Shot Parody/Crackfic Reid's had enough of the torture and this time he attempts to turn the tables on Fan Fiction writers by kidnapping my muse. Please enjoy the latest addition to my ongoing Death by Fanfiction series.


_Disclaimer: see my profile_

 _A/n Please enjoy this foray into the world of nonsense and crack fics. I think I need a vacation!_

 **To: All Fan Fiction Authors and the readers that encourage us in our endeavors.**

 **From: Mabelreid.**

 **Re: Kidnapping.**

This is a warning! My muse, Adele was cruelly and with malice of forethought kidnapped three months ago. The perpetrator, a _sadistic_ and thoroughly _ungrateful_ individual, set this vile plot in motion right under my nose.

We are betrayed, fellow authors, by the last person you'd expect, Dr. Spencer Reid. That's right, my friends, SSA Dr. Spencer Reid of the BAU. Why? The motive for this _sick_ and _twisted_ conspiracy is simple. Revenge! Yes, you read my words correctly. Revenge! I know you're all wondering why our favorite profiler desired revenge. I shall relate the tale to you as I have it from Adele and Dr. Reid, himself.

Around the beginning of June, I noticed that Adele disappeared. Now, my fellow writers, I admit that I wasn't paying attention at the time because I had just changed residences, and was distracted by the heat of summer and the stress of moving. As I came to understand, moving isn't a sufficient excuse for losing track of my muse, but it's the truth.

A first, I thought that perhaps she'd gone away on some adventure with her fellow muses. Unfortunately, I was wrong. After three months of intense writer's block, I began to wonder if something were amiss with Adele.

One morning, as I sat staring at an empty Word Document, a Fan Fiction message appeared in my email inbox from truegenius81. I was curious, and a bit concerned because I've never received a message from this particular user. I had no idea the shock about to appear before my eyes. The user sent me a ransom note. Can you believe it? A _ransom_ note. I was dumbfounded. The contents of the note read as follows:

MabelReid,

I have your muse, Adele in my custody. Please do not call the authorities, as I know we can resolve this without the intervention of my team, the powers that be at CBS, or the police. My demands are quite simple. I'm tired of the constant, kidnappings, shootings, beatings and various other forms of torture perpetrated upon my person by fan fiction writers, as well as the humiliation of romantic entanglements with anything that moves. I am not opposed to love, but seriously… enough! If you agree to do your best to warn others that their muses will suffer the same fate as Adele, then I will release her back to you, relatively unscathed.

Please contact me on the Fan Fiction website. You have one hour!

Truegenius81

P.S. I'm quite sure I don't need to identify myself to you.

TG81

Well, as you can imagine, I was quite taken aback. How dare Reid threaten my poor innocent muse! Okay, so she's not innocent, but that is beside the point, people. I could _not_ let this threat go unchallenged!

I was about to write back and demand Dr. Reid release Adele immediately when I suddenly realized something strange. Why wait three months to contact me? Something wasn't right, and I was determined to find out what. I sent my reply with a question, why hadn't Dr. Reid contacted me sooner. It was at this point that Adele herself answered.

Hey Mabel, what up?

I was having the time of my life on Aruba's beautiful nude beaches with Dr. Spencer Reid when for _no_ apparent reason, he sends you a lame ransom demand. I don't know what's up with him. Three months ago, he came to me with this crazy idea of running off together, which is completely forbidden by some stupid rule made up by the idiotic Council of Muses, thousands of years ago. The council believes that if a muse becomes too attached to a character, she loses her objectivity. Seriously! I _am_ as objective as I can be. Also, Mabel, you were right about Spence, he's amazing in b –

At this point in the message, TG81 took over, and I could tell he wasn't pleased. He demanded I promise to make her behave. I told him that I have no control over Adele and he was stuck with her. Spencer then admitted that he only wanted to wine, dine and seduce Adele. He thought if he showed her his true nice guy side, she'd stop torturing him in Fan Fiction. I could've told him _that_ wouldn't work.

To make a very long story short - too, late, I know, and I'm sorry, friends - I managed to pry Adele away from him by threatening to ask Dr. Reid to throw out her lucky flipflops that she wears summer and winter. Adele is back and still suffering from the trauma of attempted muse mind manipulation. She'll never be the same and – wait, that might not be a bad thing.

So, if you want to keep your muses from the trauma of mind control, please stay vigilant. Dr. Spencer Reid is a _devious_ and _dangerous_ individual who can't be trusted with your muse. He will attempt to corrupt her, mark my words.

Now that I have Adele back, I think I'll write something appropriate for dear Dr. Reid. No one messes with my Muse and lives to tell the tale.

Good luck to you all.

Mabelreid.


End file.
